WILL I EVER BE WHO I USED TO BE?
Welcome to ‘My Insane Brain’, my aptly-titled blog, detailing the day-to-day problems facing a manic depressed, social anxiety suffering, OCD consumed weirdo.
I won’t go into my past too much at the moment, other than tell you that I was first diagnosed with depression over 10 years ago, and although that has subsided somewhat, another, more debilitating mental illness has now taken hold.
A couple of years ago, I became so fearful when entering social situations. It came to a head one Sunday afternoon while I was waiting in a queue at Costa Coffee. An intense feeling of dread swept over me as my palms sweated, my mouth dried, and my head swirled. I became so aware of the situation I was in, all the people that were surrounding me – looking and judging. I knew I was about to enter into a full-on panic attack, so before that happened, I quickly abandoned the quest for my caffeine fix and rushed outside into the cool air with my wobbling legs. It took me a while before I could compose myself and drive back home, and when I returned to the safeness of my bedroom, I wondered what had happened. From that moment, things went drastically downhill. I refrained completely from putting myself in a situation like that again, even though it meant giving up on things I enjoyed, such as going for a cup of coffee.
I managed to hide my mental problems for a while, until it started to affect my work. It was then when I had to engage with my parents, and the doctor, as I could no longer pretend that it was a passing phase.
Visiting the doctor’s itself brought on more issues, but once I was inside and talking to them, I felt a bit better – and I wasn’t surprised when he gave his diagnosis of Social Anxiety Disorder, which as an acronym, is appropriately, SAD.
Now, this condition has taken over my life, and has ruined it in a lot of ways. It has resulted in the loss of my job, my ability to find another job, which in turn has caused financial problems and bankruptcy now looks inevitable. It has stalled any hope of meeting a girl and having a relationship, a future. It has stopped me from playing football with my mates, and I regular pull out of social events. And worst of all, the release of my novel ‘Born’ has been indefinitely postponed, until the financial situation is resolved. My life is now all about sitting in my bedroom at my parents’ house, watching movies, which, at 32 years old, is not where I thought I would be.
I used to be better than this.