The headaches are back. That pulsating, pounding, in the right-hand side of my head, the temple (of doom). It feels like a tumour, as if something is pushing against the back of my eyeball. I'm convinced that it's something tangible, and not just 'a feeling'. I can envisage the growth now as I type this. It's ugly. I've been to the Doctor's enough times to be ensured that my chronic head pain is nothing more than a symptom of stress. But no amount of drugs seem to diminish the throb, or the clouded feeling that swamps my brain on a more than regular basis. Worse than the soreness is the lethargy and lack of concentration that the headaches carry along with it, which makes my life almost unliveable.
I sometimes wish that it was a tumour – it would give me an easy way out of all this. It would take away the guilt that comes along with my suicidal thoughts. Although certain aspects of my life have taken a turn for the better, others have plummeted. I'm back working, in retail, which has helped in the ongoing quest to conquer my social anxiety. Talking, conversing, with lots of strangers every day, has eliminated the lump that was deeply lodged in my throat – another tumour. And as good as that is, and I'm really enjoying my work, there are still parts of my life which I despise.
When I was younger and imagined what my life would be like at the age of 33, it was nothing like this. Wife, kids, career, house, money in the bank – the typical life. Instead, I'm back living with my parents, had one unsuccessful date in the last year, receive about ten phone calls a day from debt collectors, and to make it all worse, my receding hairline is becoming ever more prominent. FUCKING BRILLIANT! And of course my novel, Born, that is now nothing more than one of the many PDF documents clogging up the disk space on this here laptop. Such a shame.
So, where do I go from here? What can I do to eliminate my headaches and get the life that I dearly wanted, a life that would make myself and my family happy? I don't know ... £5k would be a good start though, it would certainly stop those pesky, threatening phone calls.
Blog Post Soundtrack: Richmond Fontaine – Lost In This World.